We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
