hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
