My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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