my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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