i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
