if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
