Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
