Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
