i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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