I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
