It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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