Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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