You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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