Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
