Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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