So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
