I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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