Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
