I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
