Cold hands, warm shart.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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