if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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