My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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