If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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