i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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