I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
