i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
