Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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