You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
