Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
