I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You're earring is so big in my mouth
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
