I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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