ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
