so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
