ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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