Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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