one might say we're banned from that church
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
