I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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