I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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