I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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