Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
