I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
