My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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