Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
