I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just invented taco cereal.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
