he wants to bone in the snuggie
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
