Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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