I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is Oprah even human
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
