I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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