Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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