I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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