you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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