I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I AM VODKA MAN
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
