At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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