so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My penis needs a shock collar
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
