I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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