Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
