nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
