my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
